Give it to me straight.

I am so sick of people thinking that because I am a Christian and because I am Republican, I am heartless. Not everyone thinks this, obviously; there are exceptions to every rule.

Since when am I supposed to be held to a higher set of rules than you? If you're atheist and thus more educated than I am, or less brainwashed, or whatever you want to think, why do you make it seem like I have to behave better than you do, or that I have to hate certain things?

Let's get one thing perfectly clear, right now.

I am a Christian. I love my God. This does not mean that I:

- Hate gays.
- Hate minorities.
- Care more about Christians than anyone else.
- Am not a humanitarian.
- Am grossly conservative.
- Do not believe in evolution.
- Hate all science teachers.
- Believe that women are less valuable than men.
- or I believe in any other radical, extreme, or otherwise bogus idea about Christians.
Just so we can get on the same page, and so that you people can stop assuming about me. It's true that in argument we make leaps and play the stereotype card, that we think that all Republicans are unfeeling and all liberals have their hearts on their sleeves. Did you ever stop to think why someone believes what they believe? Or what parts of their general belief system they disagree with?
Here's a bit of an overview on just me. I'm not speaking for anyone else. This is Nikole, talking about what she believes. No one else.

I love all people. Black, white, gay, straight, transexual, I don't really care. I just love people as a whole. You're a prep, you're a jock, you're a goth, you amaze me. I want all people to have the same love, the same opportunities that I do. I believe in the Constitution and I believe in democracy. However, I'm conservative. How does this work with being humanitarian? Well, I'll tell you. I don't want money coming out of my pocket to pay for whatever hot-button issue people are pushing these days. I want my money to go help causes, go help people that I believe in. I don't want to be paying for healthcare reform, but if someone asks me to help out with their bill for their back surgery, you can bet your sweet bippy that I will.

I'm not a radical. I believe in things that agree with the Bible, I don't believe strictly the Bible. If it came with a necessary and proper cause, yeah, that would be me. Heck, there may be teachings in the Koran that I agree with. But, I'm not a Muslim. I am a Christian.

The miracle of creation is no less amazing if it happened over millions of years or in seven days. I really don't care who is right about all of that. Honestly, I don't. I am much more concerned about my world now than I am about my world at it's beginning. Besides, in the Bible it says that God is outside of time. The two theories can in fact coexist.

I treat people like people. I've done things, been ways that are contradictory to my faith. Did you know I've kissed more girls than boys? Did you know that I believed myself bisexual for a good portion of my life? That I used to be an alcoholic? That I used to do drugs? No, you didn't? Well, then don't say I don't know what it's like. Don't say I don't understand, I have been everywhere you walk. Therefore, how can I hate you if I was you? That makes no sense.

I have been blessed with a life on both sides of the fence. I understand you. I don't hate you.
So before you ask why I am pro-gay marriage, and yet a Christian... My morals say "No." My Constitution says "Yes." "All men are created equal." Get around that, kids. How can all men be equal but some can get married and some can't?

So before you see me in the hallways, look at a cross hanging from my neck, or hear me talking about my faith with another student, please think. Don't make sweeping generalizations about me. I don't try do it to you. Of course I make mistakes. Ask me "Why?" You'll be surprised at the answer. That's the real road to tolerance, not wearing t-shirts and buying stuff. Just asking "Why?" is so much more effective.

I love you all. Does that mean I don't hate the things you do? No. I do not agree with it. I can disagree passionately. I can hate the act. Look past the act, the clothes, the make-up, the music, and love the person. That goes for all of you. Don't expect just me to follow that because I'm a Christian. I should not be held to higher standards than the rest of you. Just because I believe in my Messiah does not mean I am not human.

Thank you.

Geisha

The Japanese had it right. Geisha. Not an elite prostitute. A living work of art. They were meant to entertain, and to be judged. But, there's this whole other dimension to art. Art is meant to provoke emotion, to make conversation, to spark something. It's the ultimate catalyst, and it is meant to create opinions, to be judged and to make people feel alive and determine something's fate.

I aim to become a geisha in the oddest form possible. I want to be a living art piece. I want every movement of mine, every sparkle from my eye, everything I do to evoke something. To make someone feel, to make someone think. Every breath you take should be a work of art. It not only should be beautiful or ugly, but it should shake people. No one should be able to walk past you on the street without thinking for a minute. If that means behaving opposite the norm, if that means speaking out for what you believe in, saying "Hello" to strangers you meet, so be it. An artistic and creative existence, one with meaning and purpose is the only one worth living.
If people can understand you without even batting an eyelash, without stretching the tiniest bit, they do not need you.

Maybe not an entire existence like this is for you, but it is for me. I want to evoke change. I have the power to change the world, but I have no avenue in which to channel it. It's the worst feeling on Earth. I ask you, that even if you don't want a life of art, if you don't want that exhausting burden, at least make it one moment a day in which you step out of reality, into the realm of the creative, and do something to provoke someone.

Of course, this provocation should be for good. What is art that doesn't make change? How much better is it if that change is positive? Infinitely.

Jazz.

Something about jazz flows into your life. You could have played one jazz song once, you could listen to it all the time, you could take one picture of a musician or you could be an aficionado. No matter your experience, the minute you touch jazz it engulfs you, and changes you from the inside out.

Something about the improvisation, the divine falling together of music. Communal living off of sound waves. It changes you. You begin to take life less seriously. When you go to get something to eat and find out that the restaurant is closed, when you run out of gas or blow a tire on the highway... Even, yes, even when you get lost in a strange city jazz quietly whispers out your name. It gives you your game plan. It casually tells you in it's silky, cool voice made from years in clubs to;

"Improvise."
All of the sudden you discover a new restaurant, you walk to a new place and meet new friends, and you discover the heart of the city. America, the land of opportunity, and discovery.


Jazz, the real American music. The one style that is wholly American. Born from the spirit of what makes us, well, us. New Englanders made new ways of surviving, they created something out of nothing. We've found ways to survive over the years. America does a good job of evolving with the times, redefining ourselves to fit with new times. Our Constitution was written in such a way to apply to things unforeseeable.
Whispering it to us. "Improvise." In this spirit America does everything.

But, wait, what happened to the spirit of jazz? The silken, cool, go-with-the-flow nature in which notes fit together? The adventure, the real adventure that jazz music is. I am not saying to go out there and buy every jazz album you can, to become an expert on such an evolving, changing, living thing. But let it reach out and touch you. Although, if you let it swallow you, no doubt you will be a lot happier than you were before.

If your tire blows, if you don't know what to have for dinner, don't get hung up on convenience and how America has changed into everything I need, right now, my way or the high way, rush rush rush and never ever slow down to create something.

Make something out of nothing. Improvise. MacGyver. Create. You'll be so much happier when you forget your to-do lists and make an adventure out of the mundane.

Improvise. It'll fall into a cadence eventually. It's more the journey than the end.

Some would say that I just don't know when to give up...
I say that I don't want to.
Ever.

Morendo.

And I'm dying everyday.
I'm beginning to like it.
The love dripping off of your lips like raindrops off of telephone wire.
It hurts so bad, just like I knew that it would.
Like pouring antiseptic onto a wound.
Like walking inside from a blistering cold to warmth, the burning that comes with life.

I'm dying to you. You're healing me.
Why are you wasting time on a zombie like me?
I really don't want to know the answer, I just know I don't want you to stop.

After so much... after slitting open my soul every single day for so long...
It's so nice to find someone willing to pour theirs into me.
50% 50%...
Who knew?

You don't take away the sadness for what was. You don't make me stop thinking about what could have been, what should have been. But oh darling do you make me believe that it was worth something... That I'm worth something.


I would have never guessed... That I was worth as much as you say I am.
Thank you.

Noche de los Muertos.

In my world, there wasn't "snack" or "dessert", just eating enough to survive or less.
There wasn't "cold" and "hot" only the same median temperature that allows you to live.
No excess.
Nothing.

The living dead.
Break out of the mold and try something new.
You'd be surprised what sparkles hide in the shadow.